Natural disaster

I don’t really know how to explain it. It is like a hurricane or maybe some other natural disaster like a tsunami or tornado. A full force blast of turture and horrible-ness.Of course I haven’t ever experienced any of those things, but this has to be something similar to those.I’ll have to record it sometime, to prove it.
Just barely, I put him down for another nap. I have a little area set out on the floor with some blankets and padding (because I tried this before a month or so ago, and I still had it rolled up in his closet). I had him take a nap there this morning, and he woke up without really making a noise and rolled around and palyed for a while. That is fine, but i want him to learn that he needs to sleep in his bed. I think I am only going to put him in there for naps and bedtime–nothing else. No play time, no fun time, no “Let me put you in there for just a minute while I do something real quick” things.I’m so frustrated I can barely think to write.What I’m getting at, is what happened when I just barely put him down for a nap. I decided not to use the floor, but to use his bed. I sat in teh chair, and fed him. That usually gets him sleepy, but sometimes, like now, he doesn’t cooperate. He find teh arm of the chair with his feet, and pushes. Then, he pulls his head back and unlatches, then gets mad, then latches back on, then pulls back off, repeatedly. I try to stay calm, and sometimes he calms down and just eats and everything is okay. But not this time. He was so difficult, I decided he had gotten something to eat and that was better than nothing, especially since I fed him half an hour ago. So I stuck him in his bed and tried to put a pacifier in his mouth, but it wasn’t a nuk one so he didn’t really want it. I left him in teh room, starting to kick and scream already (he can’t really move around as much as he’d like, since he has his arms wrapped up, but I have to do that or he can’t sleep at all usually). I went into the kitchen, washed some other pacifiers off, and made a bottle of formula. I had some leftover from what they gave me at the hospital, and Cait used it once she she didn’t have any while she was here. That is the only time it has ever been used. Want to know why? I make a 2 oz bottle, because I know what will happen. I just hope that maybe I will get surprised this time. But, I walk into the room, over to the crib, and see the screaming baby all scrunched up in teh corner of the bed, butt in the air like a stinkbug, and I roll him back onto his back, in the middle of the bed, and I put the bottle in his mouth. he relaxes barely enough to notice that it has something dripping out of it, and it must be horrible, because suddenly he gets louder, and is now gargling the milk. See…this is what happens every time. Anything that comes out of a bottle is awful. So I stuck the pacifier back in his mouth, he relaxes, I pat his chest a little, and he closes his eyes so I walk away.I forgot to mention, the static from the radio is blaring the whole time.I tried my usual things, the three that I know will help him sleep–nursing, static, and being wrapped up. But what if that isn’t it anymore? What is that is part of the reason he is so hard to get to sleep sometimes? I guess I’ll just have to keep trying this, and see how it works. I’m going to try to make some kind of schedule and routine, so I can get him “trained” (I guess) for when I go back to school. so his schedule and mine can work together, and not have to work around each other or mess things up.
Last night was the first night I really really tried to leave him in his bed, to go to sleep on his own.I thought I was going to fall apart.
It was okay at first. I fed him, and he squirmed as usual. I kept trying, and he was pretty good. After a few minutes, I stood up and laid him in his bed. That was a bad thing. He freaked out, and I put thi pacifier in his mouth, and left him there while I went out and put some stuff on the lawn (the reason for that is a whole new blog on its own) and when I came back in he was still crying. Anthony was watching something on the computer, and I am glad he hadn’t tried to help, because he would have messed it up. I went back in, put the pacifier in his mouth, held it in there and held him down so he couldn’t squirm, and he calmed down after about a minute.I left the room, and Anthony asked what happened. he said it was weird that Neils just suddenly stopped. I said “He’s tired, he just doesn’t want to go to sleep that way.” And then I said something about how it sucks that the only thing I can really do to calm him down is to stick my nipples in his mouth. Anthony said “It’s kind of our fault, for never giving him a bottle” But not giving him a bottle isn’t a bad thing!! It is just bad that I’ve taken the easy route and had him sleep in the bed with me, so all I had to do when he woke up is to lift my shirt up and pull him close enough that he could latch on, then I’d usually just fall asleep.At first it wasn’t like that. We’ve had various ways of this night time thing, and I don’t want to get into it right now. I have a lot to say bout this, and I think this blog is already super long.Basically, last night was hard. I put him to bed the first time at 8:30, he fell asleep around 9, then he woke up at 9:34, and that time was worse than the first, by FAR, so I don’t know when he went back to sleep. I think I was so tired that I don’t really remember much of the night, just that I ended up getting him out of the bed, and falling alseep on the floor with him. Anthony came in to kiss me before he went to work at 4:30, and I went back to the bed, but ended up going back and forth between the rooms all morning, until I gave in and brought him to my bed. Grr. It’s a good thing we have a California king sized bed.I have so much to say…Reasons for not having Neils in my bed anymore:-He needs to learn how to sleep in his own bed.-He wakes up and crawls around, and since he is better on his hands and knees now, the pillows don’t hold him on…he fell off once, onto the wood floor, and had a knot on his head, and one morning I even prepared myself, and tossed some pillows down, hoping he wouldn’t fall off but in case he did, the pillows would soften his fall. They did.-Sometimes I let him sleep only in his diaper, and with the cheap diapers I was testing out (I needed to know if he needed to go up to 3s) we’ve had them come off halfway, and one day I wake up with a wet spot on the bad, and a baby with a diaper half way on, and the next day, I wake up with a wet spot and three little turds less than a foot way from my head, and a half-diapered baby.-I need sleep!
Agh. I am a little cheerier (those turds were funny, I have to admit) but I am still dreading the next nap time. I will try so hard not to give in, and I will keep updating this since it helps me to think I am in control, and helps me think I really can do this. I can keep it documented to see how well it is going, and maybe somebody will have some advice or something.I can do it!

24th of July

We got to Monroe, started setting up, and I looked around. Something was wrong.I’m an idiot.I forgot the earrings. A huge, big revolving rack of earrings. About 18 inches tall and over a foot in diameter. How do you miss something like that?? And people noticed. I can think of at least 3 ladies who came to me especially for my earrings. “Where are your earrings? We came here especially for the earrings!!” I can’t believe I was so stupid and forgot them! At least it was only one day, and a short day. It was a busy one, though. We’re on our way back to Cedar City right now, going to the Christmas in July Craft fair for the next two days. All we have to do is stop at home, put the rack in the car, and we can go there. Ugh.Kirstie had a painting up that we used for a raffle prize. Well, we told people that if they bought something and signed up for the mailing list, they’d be entered in a drawing to win the painting. That helped us, and her. It was neat. We also talked to some people who said they believed in something where you have colors that match your personality, and they coordinate with numbers, I think only up to 4 or 5. I can’t really explain it much, but if you want to know more I can try. But she ended up spending $120 because a lot of my stuff coordinated with her and 5 of her daughters and their colors. And…I forgot what else I was going to talk about since Anthony distracted me. Hmm…We fit everything in one car this time, too! We had taken two cars the other times, but we actually got it all in, and on, one. We bought a pack things that goes on top of the car on the rack, and we fit the tables inside and stuff. Even Neils! My mom took just a few small things, but we could fit it allI am almost out of stuff. I ran out of necklaces almost. We had to go back to Circleville early instead of staying in Monroe longer, so I could make more necklaces and bracelets. Obviously I’ll have a lot of earrings, though! After I did Duck Creek, I decided to focus on more bags and headbands. I sold almost all the headbands and only a few bags, but I sold a lot of baby stuff. I bought more onesies, but they didn’t’ have size 6-9, so I have 3-6 and 12 months. It will work! I have a few things still to do to get ready for today and tomorrow, but at least I’ll get a break later today and I will still have time to make more stuff this morning. I think it starts at 11, and we are at exit 95 getting on the freeway right now. It is 8:25. We might have a little bit of time, but we will be able to get something done.Last night we had a barbecue in Circleville, and it was fun. We also played in the pool, and it was Neils’ first time in the pool. He loved it. He splashed and laughed and was so excited. He loves the pool! I think that is all I have to say for now, I keep skipping around this thing with new ideas, and we’re talking about my new ideas, so I just can’t do it now. My mind is reeling, and we’re to Cedar City now. Time to pack up so I can go play some more!
While blogging, and during conversation. ..Anthony was just talking about Fear in Loathing, and how somebody said Dr. Gonzo isn’t imaginary. But I thought he was. So I’ll have to look that up. This is my reminder.Right now he is talking about all his paranoia about the radio, the tv, and the computer. He is saying how he thinks people can see what youa re watching on tv and actually see you through the tv. I think it is annoying. I really don’t believe this, and he seems to think people are just watching him all the time. I really don’t think it is happening like that, but maybe. I don’t want to think too hard about it, but why would somebody watch me? What makes me so special that somebody would be interested in keeping tabs on me and thinking it was necessary to really know what I was doing? And why does it matter? I’m not doing anything that I’m ashamed of, and if I do something, what really will happen to me? If they catch me dressing myself, what will they do? Who is it, even? I don’t know. I don’t care. It doesn’t matter to me, so I won’t get into it. I will just listen to him rant, and I will let him talk, and not put my input in. I’ll probably end up calling him stupid for thinking that, and then we’ll have problems.

My new friend

So, my brother has this girlfriend that he met during school. Her name is Kirstie, and she was a senior while he was a sophomore. Obviously she graduated, and he is still in school, but she is staying here in Cedar City to go to SUU. Doofus Luke, he runs off to Piute county for the summer, leaving barely any contact between the two of them. She does happen to get invited to go to Dusty and Corrine’s wedding with us, so she goes and meets everybody, hangs out for a while. Then, a week later it is the 4th of July, so I decide to surprise Luke and invite her to go to my booth with me in Richfield. She hung out at my booth at Groovefest with Luke and all of us (me, Anthony, mom, Eriq) for a while, but we didn’t talk really. I figured I’d invite her to Richfield to surprise Luke, and to show her where we grew up. But, after Luke saw her, it was like he was upset. He said he already made plans, and didn’t know if she could come along or not. I didn’t realize my brother was such a jerk! So I invited her to come stay wiht us, and we talked as she helped me tag/price some of my stuff.Now, a few weeks later, she has become more of a friend to me. Luke has barely come back a few days ago from Piute, and he isn’t tlakign to her much. But this isn’t about them, it is about me and my new friend. So–Kirstie is an artist, she does paintings and graphic design. I had more booths coming up, so I asked her if she wanted to bring some paintings to sell, and I even gave her a few small canvases to use. She hung out at my house one night, painting while I sewed. She and Anthony bonded as they rambled about their favorite movies (The Big Lebowski, for one) and favorite bands (Rush is the only one I can think of right now…) which I don’t happen to have in common with either of them. Hmm. But, she hung out and we got to know each other better. She came up to Duck Creek with us at the Duck Creek Days fair, and she told two of her small paintings. I think she is an amazing artist. she must be, since she has paintings in galleries in Salt Lake, and sold one when she was a sophomore, for $900. Crazy. So I’m having her make more, and she is bringing them to Monroe for the 24th and to Christmas in July in Cedar City the next two days. I’m also trying to convince her to make a website or an etsy store (etsy.com–so amazing!) so she can get her name out and get more business. She’s fun. I like to tease her and call her a starving artist, since she lives alone and eats rice and cheese most of the time because she is so poor.Yeah, that’s my new friend

Beads and babies

Neils is so hard to get to sleep. Not at naps, though. Those are easy. It is the bed time stuff. He will go to bed around 8 or so, sometimes earlier, sometimes later. He won’t sleep very long, then he will wake up and I’ll either fight for an hour to get him to go back to sleep, or I’ll just get him up and moving around and paly a little to wear him out more. I tried feeding him the past two nights, after he woke up the first time. Last night I just started crying because I just couldn’t handle it. It is so hard, and Anthony has to work 13 hour shifts so I leave him alone. It is just me trying to do it all by myself half the week. I just don’t know what to do to make it better for him, so he’ll get a better night’s sleep, and so I can get some stuff made for my five fairs that I have left. Ugh. I still love him to death, and I melt everytime I wake up to his babbling and open my eyes to see his silly face. After all the rough nights he puts me through, I just look at his cute little face and it is worth it. Mostly.
Also..I’ve been looking around the internet at beads and shops, and I think I am going to set up a shop on etsy to sell some of my leftover beads and some of my jewelry and stuff. Why not? It costs about het same as eBay, and it isn’t in an auction format. People wither buy stuff, or they don’t. I like things about both sites. I can also promote my website through etsy, too, and my etsy through my website. I think i’ll make them jsut a little idfferent, though. They can’t be the same! I am getting excited about it, and am hoping this turns into soemthing big for me. There are people on etsy who have had thousands of sales, just selling beads! I think I can make some money form it, and get my name out there so people will want to come to me for custom orders and to just buy my pretty things. It really isn’t all about making money, it is about doing what I love, and having other people appreciate the work I do. I am also going to put some jewelry in my grandpa’s shop in St. George. I have been, but I am going to amp them up a bit and make them more interesting. I get rushed and just throw stuff together sometimes, but I need to put more effort into some pieces to make them really stand out and really worthwhile.
Someday, somewhere, somebody will notice my efforts.

Us

I found something..I like answering surveys and I found one to fill out. It is about me and Anthony.
Question 1 - Where did you meet each other?
We met at my parents house in Richfield. I can’t remember the first time I met him, but I know I talked to him a few times there. He remembers the first time he even saw me…

Question 2 - What was your first date?
Our first date…I don’t think we really had one. Let’s see…one day I was in Richfield, he was with my sister, and they went to the craft store with me for some reason. I think I went with Cait because she was getting somethign for Jodi…I can’t remember. After that day, we started hanging out more. Cait invited me to SLC with her and him when she went looking for wedding dress ideas, and we all went out to dinner. Then, he ended up leaving his car with us in SLC and he went to California. A few days later, I told him he was going to breakfast with us, and he came. Then we all went camping for a few days. We didn’t really go on dates, but we sure hung out a lot.

Question 3 - When and where was your first kiss?
Well…after a while of hanging out, we hadn’t kissed. We had cuddled in the dark next to a stream, slept next to each other in a tent, taken walks through tall trees filled with owls, hung out on the beach at Piute, but after all that, no kisses. One day, we were hanging out in his room, and I was blowing at his face, trying to get him to kiss me, in a sly (yet, not so sly!) way, and the dumb boy started sucking the air in!! But yes, then we kissed.

Question 4 - Did you have a long courtship?
We dated from May to October, then were engaged until we got married in May. So, no, not real long.

Question 5 - Where did you get engaged?
On his porch. When he was home in Circleville, and I was home in Cedar, he called me up on a Tuesday night or something and told me he needed to see me, so I went there. It was cute.

Question 6 - When and where were you married?
We were married at Navajo Lake on May 19, 2007.

Question 7 - Where did you go on your honeymoon?
We took a road trip to California, and went to Idyllwild, Hemet, Riverside, a few beaches, and Vegas both ways.

4th of July

For the 4th of July, we went to Richfield. I had a booth at the park, but even if I didn’t, I would have gone there anyway. It is what I grew up doing, it is something I really enjoy, and I love the atmosphere on that day. I love to see people that I havn’t seen in ages, and I love seeing my family and being back in the the place where I grew up.We drove up the 3rd, because I was allowed to set up a booth that night. I set it up, but it wasn’t as good as I planned. Oh well. I invited my brother’s girlfriend Kirstie to come with us, because i knew she had told Lucas that she wanted to see Richfield and meet his friends and stuff. We planned on surprising him, and I guess we did because he had already made plans and I guess she couldn’t go along, so I invited her to stay with me, Anthony and Neils at my best friend Danette’s house. I guess I should have talked to Danette about it more before hand, but I screwed up and felt so bad that I just had to do what I could for Kirstie to make her feel better. I don’t know if it worked…but I tried!We hung out with Danette that night and saw her baby, Lyrik, who was born exactly three months after Neils. He is so small…Neils weighs at least 10 1/2 pounds more than him, and is over 6 inches longer. My kid is a monster! Lyrik just isn’t gaining weight like he should, which sucks. He’ll get better, though. It was fun visiting with her again, I hadn’t seen her since a few weeks after Neils was born. Kirstie helped me tag and inventory some of my new jewelry, and Anthony and Joe hung out and talked until Joe and Dakota fell asleep on the couch. We were up until after 2 am, but it was worth it to see Danette and Lyrik.The next morning we all went back to the park. Kirstie, Cait, Anthony and Luke all helped me with my booth and eith Neils. I got to see some of my old friends and their new babies. I saw Lisa and her baby Ammon, who was born the same day as my sister’s baby Atreyu. They were born December 3, nd Neils was born January 29, but Neils is bigger than both of them! I know Neils is at laest a pound and maybe half an inch bigger than Atreyu, but I don’t know how big Ammon is. He looks smaller than Atreyu, though. I told you my kid is a monster! I saw Anthony VanDyke and his wife Edita, and he had invited me to a barbecue with our old friends at Jessica’s house that night. But…I knew it was a bad idea to begin with, and even though I thought about going, I followed my better judgement and didn’t. It would have been a disaster, since my ex boyfriend was there…and he just happened to have married an ex friend of mine who hates me, and they have a daughter. I just had to be cautious. I knew that going there could have been a good experience or a bad experience, but now that I know they were there, there is no way it would ahve been a good one for any of us.We ended up going back to Piute. Anthony, me, Neils, Kirstie, Luke, Minnie, Liz and Chris all drove up to Otter Creek to the spot where they usually go to watch fireworks. Jay and Malady were there, but none of the other friends were. We hung out there a while, and my parents showed up, too. We ened up finding out that Cait, Tony, Kraig, Jami, Jeremy…well, a bunch of the people who were supposed to be wehre we were, were actually down closer to the lake. We tried to find them, but we ended up back at the first spot to watch the fireworks. Neils gets very intrigued by them. He watched a sparkler I had, never took his eyes off it. Then, he watched the ones in the sky. He had seen them before, at the openeing of the summer games, but this was his first 4th of July, and I think he liked it. I wish we had Atreyu there with us, I wanted to see his reactions to them, too. We had our own foreworks to set off, but we left them in Cedar City. Good thing the 24th of July is celebrated practically the same!

tooth??

Neils has a tooth. We noticed that it came through on the 4th of July. It is pretty prominent…I dont’ think it is one of those that is going to go back in then come back out, like some people say they will. We tried to hold him down and get a picture of it, but it is hard with a super squirmy baby. I’ll get it eventually. It’s sharp, too. I had to see what it was like, silly me for sticking my hadn in a baby’s mouth

Being Mom

am so confused…being a mom is the hardest thing I’ve ever done! Neils is the cutest thing ever, and I love him to death, but I just can’t handle him sometimes. I struggle to make him happy some days, and some nights, I just can’t seem to get him to sleep. He is still nursing, and it seems that is the only way I can get him to sleep. That is my fault, though, for having him sleep in the bed with me. It is the one thign I know that will calm him down and get him to sleep (most of the time!). I used to be able to feed him, then hold him and rock him a little, and he’d fall asleep. Now, I just have to lay in the bed with him nursing until he falls alseep. It drives me crazy sometimes, like I jsut want ot be able to give him a bottle and leave him alone. But I can’t. He refuses to take anything form a bottle. Somtimes we can get him to drink water from one, but he will not drink milk form anything, even if it is breastmilk. I’ve never tried to give him formula, though. I have tried juice, even diluted juice, but he won’t drink that, either. I wish I had someone to talk to, who has had an experience like mine and who has been able to make it better. It seems like I was able to get him to sleep in his crib alright, but I ended up sleeping on the floor in the room with him because he wakes up so much and because I eventually had to lay him on the floor with me and get him to sleep that way. Then Anthony said it was okay for Neils to sleep in our room again, since I was clearly lacking sleep and my body was aching so much from sleeping on the wood floor. I think that now he is five months old, it should be easier to get him to go along with a schedule. Maybe not, though. But how do I do it?? I have a couple books but I don’t think I like what they say to do. agh…I have a great respect for all mothers out there!!